kenoscomm | communion | stargazer-focused but ota

[ Dato interesante: yo hablo español (más o menos), pero Matt solo habla idiomas muertos. Sin embargo, él sabe "hola." Although honestly, the mystery of what translates and what doesn't pales compared to this sense of endless warmth. Like an ocean made of golden light, boundless and buoying. ]

I'm sorry--I didn't mean to interrupt your lunch. [ Despite his apology, his mental voice carries a hint of amusement, delighted by the mix of mundane and preternatural. ] I'm not used to ... back home they would've called it telepathy. Mind to mind communication.

Oh, no pasa nada. I eat a really big lunch, so it takes a while!

[ She laughs lightly, but she is... not joking... Quetzalcoatl basically eats as much as she can every day, since she has to get the magical energy from somewhere. Food and sleep are the easiest! And there's the secret third option, but that one takes longer, so... Big meals it is. ]

But it's pretty new, right? Especially... Mm, you're a Stargazer, right? That means we're extra connected! So, that's a little weird to get used to for a lot of people, I think. I think it's nice!

[ Okay, cool that she's cool with talking, because Matt really doesn't want to hang up the phone right now. Both for the novelty of the communication and because ... well, who wouldn't want to fall asleep on a sunbeam? ]

It's definitely new in some ways, [ he agrees. ] But in others, it's almost familiar ...?

I think I like being connected to you.

[ Okay, that's the kind of line that normally his brain-to-mouth filter would take care of, but now his brain is his mouth, and ... oops. Matt's mental presence recedes abruptly, sort of like a hermit crab retreating into its little shell house. Not gone, just. Cloistered. ]

[ Oh... Cute!! She laughs, but it's with obvious affection, not only in her tone, but in a big way in those shared emotions. She's an open book when it comes to her feelings even without Communion, but it's not so conscious here how she lets that flow freely. ]

Ey, don't be shy, it's okay!! I like being connected to you too, yes!

[ She beckons him back in turn, like she's holding out both of her hands for him to take. In reality while she's chowing down at a restaurant, she's just kicking her feet happily. ]

It just takes getting used to! We can definitely just talk while you do. What's your name? You must have just gotten here, right?

[ Matt's not sure if people can lie to each other through this type of connection. He doesn't think she's doing that, or like, patronizing him. And in any case, it's kind of her to make such welcoming overtures. He laughs too, a bit of fizz that spikes with nerves. ]

I appreciate the chance to get some practice. [ His psychic voice is more careful now, slightly over-enunciated. ] I did just get here, yeah, for some value of "just"--I know it's been a few days, but the transit time itself ... who knows.

I'm Matt. Who are you?

[ Some people can lie in Communion, but Quetzalcoatl is definitely not one of them. But, like. She can't even lie period. Or rather, when she does, it's so obviously a lie that it's endearingly pathetic, so... She wouldn't even try, really. ]

Then bienvenido from me to you, Matt! Kenos is— Ah, well, it's complicated, but I still like it! The people are very nice here, yes!

[ Though, the moment she says that, there's a thoughtful flicker. It's just a moment, but as an exception comes to mind, it's characterized as a splash of water. Yet, that water is oily and polluted. Silco definitely has a strong presence, especially when he tries to drown you in that fake water. ]

...Most people, anyways!

[ silco is an exception that should not be counted, et cetera ]

But I'm Quetzalcoatl! It's very nice to meet you!

[ Matt's already noticing different folds and textures to this type of communication. It's not body language per se, and it's not quite the impressions he gets when he communicates with spirits. But it feels real, and touchable. Matt follows the sensation of dirty water, but it's only a flicker; it leaves him with a sense of thick contamination.

... Anyway, all that falls by the wayside as soon as he hears her name. ]

Oh!

[ Matt's mindscape whirls with images, out of which he tries to pluck the right words: feathered serpent, a fluted pot with many branches, sun, blood, jaguar. Sweet-smelling smoke. He concludes: ]

Wow. It's really nice to meet you too. [ And then, fuck: ] Do I say I've met your brother ...?

[ She’s quickly excited at the imagery that comes to mind for Matt, because it means he knows her, and that’s not something she can expect anymore! That warmth gets a little brighter with her excitement, but as the imagery drifts into things like blood and jaguars, and then he asks that question… ]

What?! No—

[ It’s clearly not really an answer to his question so much as a general exclamation, and she both sounds and feels stricken by this.

…Also, there’s a few colorful Nahuatl curses before she continues. It’s fine. ]

You mean Tezcatlipoca, right!? Ugh. [ UGH!! ] I heard he was here before, but he came back?! I’ll shove him back into the dirt myself until he doesn’t come back up anymore at this rate!

[ Oh, no. Matt's seized by twin regrets: one, that he's hurt and offended Quetzalcoatl, whose pain sears across their connection. (Fascinating: It feels bad!) And two, that he's betrayed Tezcatlipoca in some sense. Told tales out of school. ]

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, [ comes Matt's mental voice, faint. He flexes unfamiliar muscles as hard as he can, striving not to communicate that he thinks Tezcatlipoca's hot. ]

Um. He was nice to me, at least. I don't know if that helps.

No, it's not your fault! You're fine, yes!

[ Quetzalcoatl's feelings are just as big as her presence, and here, it's a flurry of contrasting ones. On one hand, she still feels that deep, affectionate warmth that feels as natural as breathing, and that's for Matt. On the other, well, to call the relationship between Quetzalcoatl and Tezcatlipoca contentous was a bit of an understatement. So, on that other hand, she's furious that her brother had been here causing problems (in her mind), and she hadn't even gotten to pile-drive him into some kind of hard surface. What a coward, as always!!

...But, truly, that's not Matt's fault. She huffs, and that warmth sweeps closer. If she were standing before him truly, she'd take his face in both of her hands to help impress her point, but her in Communion, it's just the delicate, half-there impression of soft, warm hands instead. It's a big sister's insistent, slightly overbearing love. ]

Well, I'm glad he wasn't causing problems, but he's no good! He's the worst, a good for nothing and a cheat! So, you be careful, Matt!! He'll only cause problems, you know?

[ this may not be totally fair, sure, but quetzalcoatl and tezcatlipoca are both haters honestly ]

[ Big sisterly. Maybe that's part of why Matt finds himself immediately warming to her. It's been a long time since he was someone's little brother, but he remembers some of the steps: Learn to braid hair. She's the queen and you're Sir Matthew the Squire, or sometimes her noble horse-dragon. Matt's psychic presence is a bit clearer now, emotions shining through like light through stained glass: appreciation, affection, nostalgia. A twinge of old pain. ]

I'll be careful, [ he promises. Matt doesn't know a lot about gods, but he views them kind of like nature: you can't make them be something they aren't, at least not without a stupid amount of effort and a near-blasphemous attempt at reshaping. You can channel them, ride the waves of their inclinations, but you can't change them.

So as much as the geek-social-fallacies in him want to protest he's not bad, he resists the urge. ]

I'm not so worried about myself right now, though. If you get me.

Good! And if he's ever mean, you let me know and I'll take care of it!

[ She says it emphatically, but that near-physical fussiness withdraws, lest she smother him with it. Because she totally would. It’s clear already by this point that compared to the laid-back and enigmatic Tezcatlipoca, Quetzalcoatl wears her heart on her sleeve and is all big emotions. They’re truly the opposites of each other in every way but appearance.

She’d give more warnings (and complaining), but that little twinge of pain as well as what he says after his assurance at least stops her. ]

…Hm? No, why not?

[ She may love and adore humanity, but she’s also not that close to them in how she thinks… The experience of getting here might as well be a distant memory for her, and she doesn’t actually do much in the way of those immediate greetings. So, she’s very genuinely asking, at least. ]

[ Matt's smile dims. This actually doesn't look quite as sad as it might in real, physical life; there's a hum of optimism at his core that persists, despite the shuttered expression. ]

Well ... there's what happens next.

They asked me to make a choice, and I can't figure out which one is the right one. Or whether this whole thing is way bigger than a dichotomy. And then I keep wondering ...

Do you know what happened to our worlds in the first place?

Oh... Mm, of course it's that.

[ It had been an easy choice for her. There's the basics, of course. Meridian could have been something sculpted in her image, all sunshine, light, and warmth itself, so she felt more naturally drawn to it just because of who and what she was. But deeper than that, she has confidence in what she believes the answer to that question is. Or rather, it's not a matter of belief in her mind, though how true or not that is remains to be seen. ]

I don't. I don't know if anyone does... But I'm sure that mine is still there, somewhere. Or maybe it just needs to be saved! That could make sense too, yes! It'd be a little weird for me to still exist if it was already gone, but I guess it's possible?

[ She truly has no idea. The details of how the World gave out its power and Authority was something she'd never really understood. She'd never felt a need to, since it's not like she was the god that overlooked any domain related to it. ]

...Well, besides that. I don't think the choice you'd make is a bad one either way, you know? I want to save the worlds because I don't think it's their fate to end, not yet, anyways. But if I'm wrong, I think Zenith is doing something good too. They're making the Sixth Sun that was never supposed to be, you know?

[ Matt grimaces in existential sympathy when Quetzalcoatl goes back and forth about her world's current state. Her logic checks out, as far as he can determine, and it's a bolstering tidbit to add to the vision Cyrus showed him of his own world. But he can't possibly expect what she says next--something not a single person has so much as hinted at since he got here. That no matter what he picks ...

There might not be a bad option? ]

I don't think there's anything fundamentally wrong with a new world, [ Matt says slowly. He feels dizzy, like a shook-up can of soda might feel. Which way is up? Where can all this sparkling energy go? ] I want to ... do the right thing by the people who are still here, in Kenos. But I can't believe it's a bad thing to make something new, I don't--

God. [ A wisp of laughter. ] Maybe that's why I've been feeling so weird. Because picking one thing means forsaking the other option, and everything sucks so much right now that I've been thinking of one as "right" and the other as "wrong."

[ The fact that he’s taking it so seriously and even thinking about the people here in Kenos pleases her. More than that, it fills the space with affection that’s a warm summer’s breeze. He’s a good one, she can tell already. ]

Mm, you’re right to think about it seriously, at least! It is serious! Like, too serious!! If I had my way, none of you would have to worry about stuff like this. Me and Set would take care of it, yes!

[ She’s leaving out steps of her explanation, but she really just means that it’s something that’s just too big. Mortals shouldn’t have to worry about it, in her opinion. This is precisely the dominion of gods, because their view of things and their morals were different—wider, she’d say. They just look at things on a different scale, and it’s not fair to have to push ordinary people into that. ]

So… It’s okay. To be conflicted and not know, I mean! I actually was really certain when I got here and was ready to just totally incinerate Zenith, but… It’s more complicated than that. That’s why I don’t really think of them as “right” and “wrong” anymore. We all just have to pick what our heart says and do our best to see it through.

[ Matt gets it, he thinks. Actually, his complaints on the subject are a near-perfect mirror to Quetzalcoatl's. He's not ruling out the possibility that divine insight could lance through him at the moment of a new world's conception and flood him with an understanding too vast to contemplate right now, but ... it's too vast for him to contemplate right now.

Still. We all just have to pick what our heart says. Not too different from Gavial's "go with your gut," and yet--maybe Matt's had more time to think. Maybe he trusts in Quetzalcoatl's subject matter expertise as a god. Maybe it's how he resonates with her, Stargazer to Stargazer. But it feels comforting. He wants to share something in return, to explain himself in a way. And through the miracle of Communion, because he wants to share it ... he does.

There's a sense of weightlessness, of being borne along in a current of light. It's a little like swimming in a sea of stars. Knowing oneself to be a tiny speck, but simultaneously, to be one with the heart of the universe, the creating spark.

(It's also a little bit like a hug. Mainly because he wants to hug her.)

Matt has altered the cosmos, in his own small ways. But more importantly, he's talked to it. Felt himself harmonizing with it. That's what he's always chasing, more than right or wrong: Rightness. The sense that you're in exactly the right place, doing precisely what you're meant to be doing. All of this, he shows Quetzalcoatl, with the attitude of a kid presenting their skinned knee. ]

[ She’s uncertain at first, since she doesn’t pick up on what he’s doing right away. Most people just aren’t as adept at using Communion like this, but when she gets it, it’s with a little oh of recognition and a feeling of a smile. She opens herself to it—to him—and she experiences what he gives openly.

That sea of stars, that spark he is, it fits within her hands like cupped water. Or rather, it’s warmer than that, because in the metaphors of her pantheon, it’s blood. It’s her own blood as life itself, ready to be given freely to the bones of what came before to make the humanity she adores. In the fuller, larger presence she shows in return, there’s nothing but love. For all the good and all the bad that people can do, she accepts it for what it is. There is no right or wrong answer to her. The truly right answer for him is the one that he chooses.

And finally, there’s something softer and uniquely her. The sensation of soft lips on the crown of his head as a little kiss that’s maybe a blessing, or maybe just a comfort. It’s not parental in feeling so much as a doting older sibling, though. ]

[ This is the closest Matt's felt to casting a spell since he got here. It's ecstatic, in a way Matt would associate with saints if he'd been raised with any of his grandparents' religion. He's read about ancient rites that involve drugs and dancing, meant to shake loose the inhibitions, and Matt's done some of those (how many depends on how you view the difference between a Dionysian Mystery and getting fucked up at a rave). But up until now, only magic has made him feel so buoyant amid something vast. So thoroughly light, and thoroughly loved.

Of course love involves blood: If it didn't, Matt would never know he was feeling it. He'd never feel the rush of affection, the double-thump of his heart when someone cute smiles at him across a room, the ocean-crash of desire reaching a crest. Breath, spirit, blood, life, love--all of them, at the end of the day, feel to Matt like virtuous synonyms.

He wants to stay in this moment forever, Quetzalcoatl's kiss landing on his head in benediction. But what else is new? Matt is always questing, always want, want, wanting.

Eventually, like a murmur--a little like a prayer: ]

Thank you.

[ She laughs at his thanks—Or rather, not at it, but just generally because laughter comes easily to her. It’s warm and just a little flustered, even! ]

Eheh… You’re welcome! Wow, you’re really good at that!

[ What is “that”? Even Quetzalcoatl isn’t totally sure. She can’t put a name to it, but it’s not a totally novel experience. It’s just unexpected, since— ]

Are you a priest or something, maybe? Usually they were the only ones that could talk to us so directly that way! Even in Kenos where it’s easier, only Set is as good at it, yes!

Oh, [ Matt says, now also flustered. ] Definitely not a priest, but I pray a lot ...? And meditate, which is sort of the same thing the way I think of it. Consider an outcome, focus on breath, kind of open myself up ... ask for help.

Nice to know I'm good at it, though. [ The words are a little flippant, but the tone behind them is all glow and awe. ] I guess I've spent a long time practicing. I probably talk to spirits more than I talk to people.

[ He definitely didn't mean to say that last part, however. ]

Mm, so close! That’s pretty much what the priests did… Most of them weren’t ternuritas like you, though!

[ Does Quetzalcoatl know what he looks like? No. But his vibes are cute, okay. That’s what matters! ]

But you talked to spirits more, really? Why? You seem really nice!

[ Matt laughs at the unfamiliar word, jittering with the suspicion he's let more slip than he meant to. The emotions behind it seem sweet, like it's some sort of endearment.

Any hope he may cherish that Quetzalcoatl didn't hear his last thought is dashed when she asks that question. His embarrassment crests, tinged with a darker shame. ]

Well, I try my best to be nice, [ he answers, stalling, ] but, ah ...

[ The logical thing, the smooth thing to do here, would be to tell her how immediately he fell in love with magic. With stretching his mind and spirit past the usual mortal bounds. People are great, they're wonderful, but they aren't always there, and the invisible world is. And most of them wouldn't understand what he meant if he tried to share.

... Wait, that wouldn't be smooth at all, that would be a nightmare. Matt regards Quetzalcoatl's vast, sunny expanse, his own mind a tangle of knots. It'd be nice if he could sink into her consciousness and just--forget himself for a little while. ]

You know, [ is what comes out next, kneejerk, ] I realize I've probably taken up enough of your time.

Hm?

[ Quetzalcoatl is just confused when he starts to respond, but it’s less the response itself and more that tangle of knots his feelings become. She reflexively wants to reach out to it and gently untangle it, because that seems like soothing someone’s troubles. But as if a hand were reaching out towards him, it pauses when he withdraws, but her feelings are still light. ]

Oh— It’s fine! I have all the time in the world, you know! [ ha ha ha ] But, um, if you’re busy, it’s okay! We’ll talk again, yes!

[ "All the time in the world." Tezca said that too. Maybe that's a divine perspective thing, or maybe the warring siblings have more in common than they imagine. That'd make sense, right? Opposites need each other to define themselves.

Still. Lingering on thoughts of Tezcatlipoca is probably just as unhelpful as lingering on thoughts of his social life. ]

I'd like to talk again. [ And that's true, he really would. Once he gets a handle on some kind of mental filter, that is. As Matt's presence recedes, one faint, faint last impression comes through: ] I love you.

[ OH, GOD

CLICK. ]

communion | stargazer-focused but ota

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